Warning: This article covers topics that some people may find upsetting, including a mention of self-harm.
Ospreys scrum-half Harri Morgan hopes revealing he attempted to take his own while suffering mental health problems can help remove the “stigma” surrounding the issue.
The 23-year-old is taking time away from the sport and has told BBC Sport Wales he subdued his emotions for six or seven years before revealing his struggles on social media.
“I want to take the stigma away – I don’t think we need to hide behind any masks anymore, hide our emotions,” he said.
“Let’s talk about it because talking for me has been one of the most powerful tools of dealing with it that I’ve used.
“Being able to sit down and have a coffee with someone and just talk about how you’re feeling, it’s so powerful – you can have really powerful conversations with people, even if it’s with people you don’t really know.
“These last couple of weeks I’ve had conversations with people in the gym that I’m not really that friendly with, but all of a sudden we have really powerful and meaningful conversations and we’re just building these steps and taking these steps in the right direction to break down that stigma and hopefully by me talking I can help with that.”
Morgan says he “honestly” does not know why he felt the need to hide his own emotions in the past.
“I struggled to have the conversation for years – I bottled it up for six or seven years and I didn’t talk to anyone,” he said.
“I just tried coming in every day and hoped it would go away, but it’s not something that just goes away overnight.
“You don’t just wake up all of a sudden and feel fixed. It takes time and I’m not sure why we don’t talk about it.
“But we don’t and so hopefully by me opening up and talking about it it can help others.
“And the more people we get talking, the more positive impact that we’ll have.”
If he were able to talk to himself at the time he attempted taking his own life, Morgan says he would say: “We don’t have to do that to then realise what we need to change.
“We don’t have to go to the lowest point to then realise we can get better.
“Let’s start recognising signs early, whatever they might be and know that they can be fixed or can get better.
“It’s going to take time – it’s not going to work overnight, but we can get better and there’s people out there that specialise in these things to help you get there.
“So let’s talk. Let’s talk to others, let’s seek help and yeah, if I could rewind the clock then I’d say to myself just take a good look at what’s causing these problems and just try and deal with them and put a plan in place.
“But I truly believe what happened then has made me even stronger now to be able to do what I’ve done, the experiences I’ve had have made me this person today that I can sit in front of a camera and talk about these experiences that I’ve had.”
He added: “I truly believe in the steps I’ve taken since then have made me into the person that I am today in being able to share my story with others and hopefully empower others to know that it’s okay not to be okay.
“And you do get through these tough times and there are people out there that can help.”
He is also grateful for the support he has received from those in the game.
“It’s been amazing to see the reception I’ve had from my team-mates in supporting me throughout these difficult times and it shows what rugby can do – rugby is one big family and we all tend to look after each other,” he said.
Morgan has become involved in coaching and is in the process of setting up a physical fitness business while also not ruling out playing again.
“I still love rugby. It’s been my dream to be a rugby player and luckily I’ve lived up that dream,” he said.
“But there are difficult moments within rugby, injuries being one of them and unfortunately I’ve had a couple of big injuries on the back of each other so I haven’t actually played a lot of rugby for the last three or four years really and to deal with different injuries – so that was massively difficult dealing with them.”
Morgan has stepped away from rugby at a time of uncertainty for many of his contemporaries in Welsh rugby who have faced losing their jobs amid the game’s financial issues.
He says those events have had no bearing on his own situation.
“A couple of months ago I knew I wouldn’t be playing rugby so the stress of not having a contract and stuff didn’t really affect me.” said Morgan.
“But I know it’s affected many other players within Welsh rugby because at the end of the day, it’s our livelihoods, it’s our careers and we’re in a very privileged position and we all know that to be able to play rugby.
“But to be told that you potentially might not have a job next year is tough for anyone and yeah, it definitely has its mental impact and impact on our mental health, as you’d expect.”
As a youngster Morgan harboured ambitions of playing for Wales and does not rule out a return to playing in future.
“I’m going to take some time out, get myself mentally in a better place and then who knows?,” he said.
“I might pick up a rugby ball again then see where it takes me and hopefully by then I’ll be mentally stronger to then hopefully take that onto a rugby pitch and be a better player.”
If you have been affected by issues raised in this article, there is information and support available on BBC Action Line.
