There are two primary ways to resolve this. “You can actually take care of the thing, or another way to satisfy it is to make a specific plan,” says Masicampo. He and his co-author found that planning to accomplish a goal had the same quieting effect on intrusive thoughts as actually accomplishing it.
It can even be beneficial to simply kick the can down the road. “Postponement is surprisingly effective,” says Masicampo. “It’s a promissory note to yourself, like, ‘there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m going to wait until 1 August to worry about it’.”
Make a plan, any plan
Put simply, uncertainty is upsetting. Studies show it makes us feel powerless, which stresses us out. But when we have a plan – even a potentially futile one that may not come to fruition – it helps clear our minds and organise our thoughts. This is definitely true of “high-stakes planning” like a wedding, says Neupert. “For many people, that’s the biggest, most complex thing they’ll ever plan.” But nuptials aside, envisioning simpler aspects of the future can still provide much-needed stress relief.
“Some people may feel so stressed that they don’t have the bandwidth to think three months in advance,” says Neupert. “If you can, try to make a plan for tomorrow. If that feels daunting, gosh, try planning for later today. Some people really do feel crushed by the anxiety and depression. If they can make a plan for dinner, that should be celebrated.”
It’s good advice even if you’re not typically a planner. The current situation and its stressors are unprecedented, and if your other tried-and-true stress relievers are failing, that’s normal. “Maybe now is the time to change up how you’re coping,” adds Neupert. “If you haven’t been much of a scheduler, maybe try to make some plans for the future, even if they might change again.”
My friend has rescheduled her wedding for the same weekend next year, and we’ve all marked our calendars, with the acknowledgment that a lot could happen between now and then. Maybe her 2021 wedding will happen as she intends or maybe she’ll need to adjust again. For now, she’s feeling relieved – if disappointed – because at least there’s a plan in place, and something to look forward to.
The science of happiness says you should keep on planning the parties and trips and events that bring colour to our lives. Just make sure those deposits are refundable.
